Why I Hate Batman (And What Writers Can Learn From His Character Mistakes)

One of my earliest memories is going to see Tim Burton's Batman in the theater with my parents. Not long after one of my uncles gave me a leather bound copy of Frank Miller's run on the Dark Knight, and I was a loyal follower of the animated series from the time it came out. I even wrote an article right here that shows players how to convert the caped crusader into a character for the Pathfinder roleplaying game. No I can't quote the comics chapter and verse, but it's no stretch of the truth to say I've been a fan most of my life.

That's why it was so awkward for me when I realized Batman is actually really bad at what he does.

What Are You Talking About?

Make it good, punk.

Let's begin at the beginning, shall we? Bruce Wayne goes to see the Mark of Zorro with his parents, and on their way back from the theater a mugger shoots and kills Bruce's parents. Broken, Bruce dedicates himself to making sure that no one else goes through this kind of pain. He trains with martial arts masters in the east, studies under criminal investigation experts in Europe, and devotes his mind, body, and soul to understanding every method at his disposal for stopping crime. When he returns to Gotham he builds an arsenal of highly advanced weapons and tools, and declares himself the protector of all the citizens within the city limits.

With me so far? Good.

Comedian Reginald D. Hunter put it best, so I'm going to paraphrase what he said. The argument goes a little something like this. As I understand it Batman is a rich white man in a hopelessly corrupt city, and in order to avenge the death of his parents he decides to put on a costume and beat up on street level crime. He doesn't go after crooked bankers or white collar crime, just drug dealers and gang bangers. Batman is a conservative's wet dream. Fuck Batman.

From that point onward I could never see the character in the same light.

No Punching Required

To be fair Batman is a character written for comic books. This means he needs to have serial adventures, often with a repeat cast in the form of the Rogue's Gallery, and that he needs to be actively participating in his adventures. With that said his actions make no goddamn sense given his experience, education, and knowledge of human psychology.

Ummm... what?

All right, I'll put it this way. Bruce Wayne has studied crime all over the world. It's intimated that he is a genius capable of building the most advanced machines, maintaining a technological arsenal, following the most obscure trail left by the neatest of villains, and that he understands the human mind so well that he often knows what criminals are going to do before they take any action at all.

So why the hell hasn't he completely eliminated common street crime in Gotham City by using the two greatest weapons in his arsenal: prodigious wealth, and the social standing of the 1%?

The Massive Plot Hole

While there are some villains (The Joker, Mr. Freeze, Poison Ivy, etc.) who are threats beyond reason or sense, most of the crime that Batman goes after is pretty garden variety stuff. He patrols the city from the rooftops looking for muggers, drug dealers, pimps, hired killers, and others. While there's no argument that these are legitimate problems, criminal justice research generally agrees that patrolling the streets is one of the worst ways to stop crime from happening. This is true even for huge, metropolitan police forces... Batman's one man. So not only is the most brilliant detective and dangerous martial artist in the world wasting his time on a technique he must know is inferior, but he isn't fighting the root cause of most crime.

What is the root cause of crime you ask? And why can't Batman punch it in the face?

Because crime isn't perpetrated by evil; it's perpetrated by people. Crime is a symptom of crumbling infrastructure, poor education, lack of good-paying jobs, and other, more ephemeral things. For every lunatic with a painted face there are a hundred thugs and goons who might never have decided to beat people up for a living if they had a comfortable home to live in, a good education, a chance to get good jobs, and social services they could depend on. Things that a billionaire who runs a massive corporation could easily provide, and even better turn a profit off of so he could help even more people.

Failing that (because who wants to read about a superhero who does good by providing jobs and social welfare?), why not focus on people who commit the biggest crimes? Bankers that launder money for organized crime keep these organizations going, white collar criminals who bankrupt hundreds of thousands of people lead to suffering and desperation on a massive scale, and corrupt politicians pave the way for policies like the school-to-prison pipeline. These are characters mentioned in passing, sometimes, but generally speaking they're passed over in favor of tooth-splintering brawls and madmen with time bombs.

Batman's avowed goal is to fight crime, but all he's doing is fighting criminals. He's punching the tide, and while a few droplets are stopped, the waves just keep crashing onto the beach.

He's Only One Man

Then again, so is he.

It's a romantic idea, the lone knight standing against a sea of wickedness. The problem is that as a character Batman has been shown to be a pragmatist. He's recruited numerous cohorts and allies, from Robin and Batgirl to James Gordon and others. Time and time again we see him not sleeping for days trying to do it all himself... why not just recruit more help?

It's pretty simple, really. Bruce took Dick Grayson and turned him from an acrobat into a skilled crime fighter... why couldn't he do that with others? There is a plot from Frank Miller with this very proposal, but more often than not Bruce hogs all the action to himself. Why not start up a security company and personally train those in it to act as his agents? Why not provide some of his technology to the police force to give them the tools they need to keep order? Why not campaign as Bruce Wayne to put driven, honorable men in public office?

The short answer is because that would solve too many problems. The more convoluted answer is that what drives Batman as a character, and us as his readers, might just be the need to indulge in the Old Testament style retribution against those we perceive as being in the wrong. It's a clear hero/villain line... but are those really the only stories Batman has to tell?

The Lessons Writers Should Take Away From This

There are a few things that I think my fellow writers can take away from this discussion.

Number one is that it's always a good idea to explore your character as deeply and fully as you can. If you give a character certain skills or knowledge, then it's important that they use those abilities in the most logical ways. Never be afraid to plumb the depths of your characters; you need to know everything about them even if your audience doesn't.

Number two is that you should always examine character goals from a big-picture perspective. One man eliminating crime is a Quixotic kind of goal, while killing a particular crime family (*coughs* Punisher *coughs*) is a great deal more feasible. Neither is necessarily better or more right than the other, but it's important for you to know whether or not your characters can achieve their goals in a believable way by the time you finish telling your story.

Number three is that there's always room for improvement. Even classic heroes and villains have rough spots that can be sanded out, and there will always be holes in the plot road. The best we can hope to do as authors is to make the bumps as shallow as possible, and to make sure our readers are driving so fast they don't notice the flaws we do have in our narrative highways.

As always, thanks for dropping by the Literary Mercenary. If you want to keep in touch with my updates plug your email into the box on the top right, or follow me on Facebook or Tumblr. If you'd like to see more content like this then drop a tip into my "Shakespeare Gotta Get Paid, Son" box on the top right, or drop by my Patreon page and become a patron today!

What I Learned Writing Short Stories For Two Years

Like most folks in my profession I grew up as an avid (rabid) reader. I wouldn't read any old thing (dramas and young adult books didn't much appeal to me then or now), but chances were good I had one book in hand, and a holdout in an ankle holster just in case. While I loved a good novel just as much as the next kid, one thing I was always up for was a good short story collection. Scary Stories, Bruce Coville's Monsters (and other versions), along with the infamously trashy Fright Time books that would put three horror novellas in a single book were my bread and butter in boring classes and on family road trips. As I got older my love of short stories didn't waver, but I moved on to collections by Stephen King, Clive Barker, and others. I also read a lot of anthologies with different authors in them, but it never occurred to me to ask how those writers got their stories into those books.

Or at least it hadn't, until the summer of 2012 when I stumbled across a call from Jupiter Gardens Press for their Boys of Summer anthology. I stared at my screen, read the page a few times, and a light bulb went off in my head.

"Oh," I thought. "So that's how you get into a short story anthology."

The Experiment

In May 2012 I'd been a freelance writer for four years. I had worked for magazines and newspapers, and I'd completed two novel manuscripts, but I hadn't actually published a piece of fiction in several years. So I wrote the short stories Summer People, Heart of the Myrmidon, and Skin Deep. All three of them were accepted, and I was told they'd become part of anthologies for Jupiter Gardens Press. I realized that I was now officially a published author, and that for every anthology I was part of I would get a small cut of the royalties.

I had a plan: Get into 10 more anthologies, then start work on a novel.

What could possibly go wrong?

What I Expected

The expectations I had going in were pretty low. I wanted to get back into the fiction groove I'd fallen out of, I wanted to shape up my publishing credits, and I wanted to develop a relationship with a variety of publishers. I also had some idea about making money. The younger, less-experienced me figured that if I could get into a dozen or so different anthologies that he could make a decent, regular royalty check that would let him relax and work on a novel.

I know right? I was fucking adorable back then.

The logic went something like this; the publisher wants to sell books, so it will put in a lot of effort to make sales and market the collection. There are between 10 and 20 of us who contributed to this anthology, some of us with bigger followings than others; if we combine our efforts then we can sell a lot more books between us. If I can get into 10 or more collections then average revenues should give me what a middling successful novel should, allowing me to pad my bank account. Additionally I figured I could dip my toe into certain markets and see what was more popular. Would I be better off writing a dystopian sci-fi novel? Is horror making a comeback? Is steampunk still a thing? These were questions I needed answered.

Lastly, and I stress this one, if a publisher turned out to be a lemon all I lost was a few weeks of work on a short story. If I sent a novel to the company then I'd lose months to a year of hard work. I was not anxious to deal with that worst-case-scenario, so I figured I'd put out some shorts as feelers for who was trustworthy, and who just wanted to reap the sweat off my back.

What I Got

I won't regale you with everything I did between the start of this experiment and today (the tab on the right hand side that lists the books my work has appeared in will give you the details if you're curious), but I've gotten around a little bit. I've worked with a dozen publishers, some of which were excellent and some of whose names I cannot speak without spitting and forking the sign of the evil eye. I'm not famous, and the idea of a regular, sizable royalty check is still something I only see in my dreams.

That said though, I don't feel these two years were wasted.

Oh Yeah? How's That?

No, please, regale us.

Well let's begin at the beginning. After two years of constant cranking I've sanded off the rough bits from my voice and style. I've managed to strengthen the muscles that let me work even when I've got a headache, when I'm stressed about rent money, or when there's no caffeine in the house and I haven't slept in a day and a half. I've never missed a deadline, even when I was asked to provide work at the last minute, and I've developed the ability to match the size of my story to the word count it needs to be told in.

In brief, these two years put a fine edge on my professional blade.

There's more beyond the whetstone. I've found fans and friends alike who, when I tell them I have a new piece coming out, will be eager to get their hands on it. I've been recognized as a professional by conventions, and given all of the benefits that comes with that status. I've also figured out which companies are solid, dependable operations, and which ones just want the writers to do all the work while they reap the profits.

It's not a million dollar pay day, but it is a rung or two up the ladder. It's the experience to know a raw deal when I see it, and it's the currency of goodwill that lets me step right over the slush pile to talk to an editor directly. It's the ability to sample some of my ideas to see which ones are big enough for a book of their own, and which ones aren't done growing yet. Lastly, and this shouldn't be written off, it's the confidence to walk into a room and comport myself like someone whose words are worth hard currency.

I'm not rich. I'm not famous. What I am is a professional, and this experiment is what made me that way.


As always, thanks for popping in on this week's update. If you'd like to get regular updates from The Literary Mercenary then enter your email address in the bar in the top right corner, or follow me on Facebook or Tumblr. If you'd like to support me then drop by my page and buy a book, drop your loose change into the "Shakespeare Gotta Get Paid, Son" jar on the upper right, or become a patron by visiting my Patreon page today!

The Five Types of Beta Readers Every Writer Should Have

Writing a story is a lot like giving birth; it's uncomfortable, sweaty, causes a strain, keeps you up nights, makes you want heavy drugs to kill the pain, and in the end you're so exhausted and proud of yourself you don't know what to do. Your first urge is to show everyone the thing you've accomplished, blind to the fact that your story is covered in shit and squalling at the top of its voice.

That's what beta readers are for. They pat you on the back, tell you what a good job you did, and start pointing out all the places you really need to clean up before you offer your latest accomplishment for a "best baby of the year" competition. In short it's their job to make sure that you don't get so stuck on how perfect your child is that you overlook its hanging indents, weeping plot holes, and bastardized concept.

Here is a picture of your ideal beta reading team, though you can add more if you need to. Your team consists of:

The English Teacher

"There were ducks," not "Their were ducks." How many times do I have to tell you?

The front line enforcer of homophones and proper contractions, the English Teacher is an author's best friend. Blunt and occasionally harsh, the Teacher tends to ignore plot and language in favor of checking to be sure your grammar and spelling are correct and acceptable. If the Teacher doesn't remark on the story, character development, or other stylistic choices then you can usually assume they're fine. I recommend starting with the Teacher because it's important to let the air out of your ego early in order to make your story the best it can possibly be.

The Librarian

Dude, you can't call it a Hitler-stache. Why? Your story's set in 1879, for starters...

Nothing is more embarrassing than writing an entire novel, just to find out your facts are wrong. Contrary to popular belief being an author doesn't make you an expert on martial arts, firearms, explosives, murder, tax accounting or any other dangerous activities your characters may participate in (though you can learn how to get rid of a body right here!). Every now and again you're going to screw up, and when you do the Librarian is there to catch you. Whether it's informing you of the proper breed of horse used for Civil War cavalry, correcting the caliber of the weapon your soldier is using in the European theater in World War II, or pointing out that the poison your killer used is a highly controlled and very easy to track substance, the Librarian gives you the facts and just the facts. Even if no one other than you and the Librarian would ever know you screwed up, are you willing to take the chance that you'll be known as the author who doesn't do enough research?

The Genre Lover

A dismembered body under the bridge? Oh, Horror, you shouldn't have!

Every story has a genre, and every genre has dedicated lovers. Chances are pretty good you have that one friend who loves your genre just a little more than the others. You know, the one with photoshopped pictures of themselves making out with the genre in the bookstore? The one with whole shelves dedicated to it, who can name off every trope the way Rainman could name the cards left in a deck? Yeah, that one. That's the Genre Lover, and if you can satisfy the big G.L.'s very high standards as someone who's seen it all and done in all in that genre of choice then you have a solid piece of work on your hands, my friend.

The Non-Genre Reader

Ugh, the leads are kissing? If I wanted to read a smut book that's what I would have bought.

Good books have fans from a genre that love it; great books can reach across the aisle and include everyone in their narratives. Frankenstein is science fiction and horror, but it also speaks to those who love human drama and elements of high adventure. The appeal of the creature's struggle, and Victor's attempts to reconcile his life with his one terrible achievement are usually enough to appeal to any reader.

Usually.

There are still people who will turn up their noses at a book that has even the barest whiff of a certain genre about it. If there's a mention of magic, a suggestion of romantic undertones, or if a murder scene is presented in a way that's a little too heavy on squick, these are the readers who will shut the cover and walk away. Not to be confused with the Literary Reader (a pretentious and dismissive breed in its own right), the Non-Genre Reader is your toughest competition. If you can make a Non-Genre Reader care about your story, then you've got something powerful.

The Dreamer

Yeah, but wouldn't it be cool if...

Authors wade out into the pool of imagination, dip themselves down and let the quicksilver spray of inspiration wash over their skin and bleed their stories out of them. It's a kind of immersion that isn't for everyone, and every author has a little area of the pool they prefer to soak in. Dreamers, by and large, are kindred spirits. Some of them are authors in their own right, but some of them just come down to the water's edge and dip their feet in. The Dreamer is the polar opposite of the English Teacher, often ignoring the finer points of language to focus completely on the story. Many times they'll provide plot hole patches that are completely seamless, or build upon your initial ideas to take the story in places even you never thought it would go. Invaluable for their insights on concepts and ideas, as well as archetypes and possibilities, Dreamers shouldn't be ignored just because they're a bit ephemeral at times.

Different Stories, Different Betas

It should be noted that some beta readers can fulfill multiple roles at once. Some Genre Lovers also possess the encyclopedic knowledge of Librarians, and some English Teachers may be Non-Genre Readers as well. Sometimes you'll need multiple betas in the same role, particularly if you need to call on the expertise of half a dozen different kinds of Librarian to get your facts straight. Generally speaking the more eyes that crawl over your story before you submit it, the cleaner and smoother it will be when you hand it to a publisher. Or try to sell it to the masses, whatever your preference happens to be.


As always, thanks again for stopping in at The Literary Mercenary. If you want to keep up to date on all my latest doings then type your email into the box on the top right corner, or follow me on Facebook or Tumblr. If you want to help keep us going then drop your loose change into the tip jar by clicking the "Shakespeare Gotta Get Paid, Son" button on the top right, or check out my Patreon page and become a patron today!

How Do You Know If You're a Real Writer?

I wrote my first short story when I was in 7th grade. It was an extra credit project in my English class, and I had so much fun with it that I completely forgot it was supposed to be work. My teacher's horrified reaction to it (it was a "found journal" horror story in the style of H.P. Lovecraft regarding a giant crocodile in the Amazon river basin) gave me a thrill the likes of which I had never gotten from anything else, and I was hooked. A few months later I decided I wanted to be a writer.

There was just one problem. I had no clue how to become a real writer.

Step 1: Text Step 2: ? Step 3: Rich and Famous

Over the years I bounced from one opportunity to another. I entered poetry and short story contests in high school, worked for campus papers in college, and before I received my degree I discovered there's a whole market out there looking for freelancers to put words on the page. It wasn't till 2012 that I managed to start publishing fiction with some regularity. I thought I'd found the answer, and that I'd become a real writer.

Others weren't so convinced. Here are some of the reasons why.

Where Can I Buy Your Book?

This question is actually two fold. The more direct question being asked is "are you an actual writer, the kind I can find in a real book store?" The second, more subtle question is "Did you write a novel?"

When I started getting my fiction published I had to answer in a double negative. I had written short stories in response to open calls for anthologies, which meant I had some short stories on the market but no novels. As such people shrugged me off. Because I published electronically and with small presses no, my work is not on the shelves at Barnes and Noble or Books-A-Million. This conversation gets repeated a dozen times a day when I'm having a signing or speaking at an event. This leads to the second issue a lot of writers face...

Who Published This?

The world of publishing has changed phenomenally just over the past few years, but if you're not involved in it you'd never notice. With the advent of electronic fiction and Amazon's Create Space (among others) authors who either don't want to deal with the rigmarole of traditionally publishing or who prefer to have full control over their work can go out and become independent authors.

The problem is that the common reader is still very likely to dismiss you if you're an independent author.

Who did you say published this tripe again?

The problem isn't just defending yourself to potential readers though. Traditional publishers have been known to be quite dismissive of independent authors and small publishers, and that attitude permeates the industry. While they might not say "these authors aren't good enough for anyone else to publish them, so they do it themselves," that sentiment is very present. Convincing someone that there are other reasons to be an independent author, and that yes you can be a successful professional doing that, is an uphill battle of Sisyphean proportions. It's only magnified by the fact that there really are a huge number of shitty writers who have decided to self-publish because no one else will take them on. It's a lot like trying to distance yourself from ambulance chasers when you're an upstanding, quality attorney.

For those who want to examine this issue more deeply check out Lauren Jankowski's blog here. A dedicated independent author, her trials with this issue could make a book all their own.

How Much Do You Make?

Not so much that I don't want you to buy a copy of my books. All of them.

I mentioned this on my Things You Should Never Say to an Author, but it bears repeating. There are members of the public who don't realize there are levels of success in writing, just as there are levels of success in painting, music, or any other creative field. Just because someone doesn't make millions of dollars off their work that doesn't make that person less of a writer. That said, there will be people who refuse to consider an author legitimate unless that author makes enough to quit the day job. If you've never tried to do this I can vouch that it is a certified, gold-plated bitch kitten.

So What's It About?

Let's assume for a moment that you are an author with a big contract from a well-known publisher. You've written several novels, and you've been on TV for how much money you've made. Maybe you've even got a few awards and one of your books was made into a hit movie, just as the icing on the cake.

There will still be critics who question your legitimacy based on what your work is about.

*clears throat*

Literary critics turn up their noses at fantasy and sci-fi writers. Genre writers thumb their noses at romance writers. Romance writers roll their eyes at horror writers. The vicious cycle goes any number of ways, but it always comes down to the same statement. "People who write X aren't real writers."

This is the last bastion of the ignorant, the biased, and the judgmental. While I might not accept with grace that there is a monster erotica series based on the premise of bigfoot raping female campers and hikers, I do not deny that the person who created it and makes a living off of it is a professional author.

You don't have to be a fan to acknowledge someone's professional status.

So What Makes You a Real Writer?

Othering is a big problem in our field. Everyone is so eager to get his or her piece of the pie that a lot of authors, and even publishers, are more than happy to throw others under the bus if it means getting a shot at a bigger market share. As you can see there are at least half a dozen bullshit qualifications that have nothing to do with whether or not you're a real writer which people still try to use.

I have two standards of my own, and I think they're two that most of us can agree on.

Are you listening?

Number One: In order to call yourself a writer you must actually write things. This doesn't mean jotted notes on a napkin, or a novel manuscript you've done the same two chapters on fifteen times; you have to actually complete something before you can lay claim to the title. If you want to keep calling yourself a writer though it's probably best for you to keep writing things. If you want to be taken seriously as a professional writer then you must be paid for your work. Whether that's by Random House, or by those who support you as an independent or self-published writer doesn't matter; money is money. If you're ghost writing erotica or turning out books of short stories for a tiny press, if you're being paid then you're a professional.

Number Two: Professionalism. The major difference between someone who is a real writer and someone who isn't is best summed up by author Agatha Christie. She famously said:

“There was a moment when I changed from an amateur to a professional. I assumed the burden of a profession, which is to write even when you don't want to, don't much like what you're writing, and aren't writing particularly well.”

In short if you want to be a writer then you have to do it like it's your job. No spacing out on Youtube, no starting over just because you're bored or not having fun any more, and no skipping the hard work of sharpening up your blade and making stories so sharp you're going to cut every reader who opens your cover. Real writers write, and they do it regardless of whether or not the muse is whispering in their ears, or if it's raining outside, or if the kids are screaming, or they didn't get a good night's sleep. They do, and that is what matters.


As always, thanks for dropping in on The Literary Mercenary. If you want to make sure you don't miss a beat then fill in your email address in the box on your top right, or follow me on Facebook or Tumblr. If you'd like to do your part to keep my words coming then drop your loose change into the "Shakespeare Gotta Get Paid, Son" cup on the upper right, or drop by my Patreon page and become a patron today!

What's the fun in being an author if your Internet search history doesn't put you at the top of a few criminal suspect lists? Because research is one of the most fun parts of the writing craft I wrote an article about how to dispose of unwanted bodies for Yahoo! Voices (back when they still existed), but unfortunately Yahoo! decided the content didn't really fit with their guidelines. That said, their loss is your gain! If you've got a couple of unwanted characters bloodying up your story, here are some creative ways to get rid of what's left of them!

This article is now officially off moratorium.

How to Get Rid of a Body

Facts and Fictions About Body Disposal

Neal Litherland, Yahoo Contributor Network

We've all seen that movie. Maybe it's one of those films where everyone's having a good time, but something goes wrong and somebody ends up dead. Rather than coming clean and talking to the police, everyone agrees to cover up the dead body they think they have on their hands. Or maybe you're more a fan of those movies where someone who was wronged decides it's time to get his or her hands dirty. Your lead starts hacking up the chain of command, leaving a bloody trail through every scene.

Don't you ever wonder why these characters don't get caught? With all of the CSI techs with their crime labs full of colored liquids, and detectives with their hunches and gut instincts shouldn't someone be able to catch these killers?

Yes... unless your slashers and stalkers have been disposing of bodies off-camera. If that's the case then they're probably using some of these popular methods that are relatively common place in the real world.

Assuming they aren't eating the evidence, but as What Does Cannibalism Do To Your Body? points out that method has its own slew of problems for you to deal with.

Would I Lye To You?

Sodium hydroxide is a chemical solution you're probably familiar with, particularly if you're a fan of Fight Club. If you've seen the film then you've seen the horrible, caustic burns that lye can cause to skin in less than a minute. It's the ability to melt flesh right off the bone that makes lye the choice of discerning assassins and murderers the world over, but particularly among cartels who like to make bodies just up and vanish. According to this article, hitmen tend to make a strong lye solution, heat it to 300 degrees, and then dump in the body. In less than a day it will be liquefied and ready to be dumped out into the nearest sewer grate. Variations of this procedure are used in medical labs and universities where cadavers that have served their purpose need to be done away with quickly, and cleanly.

The other thing that makes lye such a great option for body disposal is that it's easy to get. Enough lye to dissolve a body can be bought for a $20 bill with change to spare from any farm or soap supply store. Powerful acids can eat up a body, bones and all in less than an hour, but these same acids can be used to build bombs. So if you start buying acid you're going to get on a lot of radars very quickly.

Suckers.

A More Chipper Method

If you've seen Fargo then you've seen the iconic image of the chipper shredder with a fan of blood sprayed out over the snow. While this grisly image is a pop culture snap shot, it's also an accurate image of the best way to reduce evidence to little more than chunky suet. A dead body is hard to move, hard to hide, and hard to do much of anything with if it still looks like a person. Reduced to meat mulch, preferably spat out onto a dirty blue tarp like a plastic burrito, there's a world of possibilities.

You've heard the rumor that pigs will eat anything, including dead people? Well that's true, more or less. Problem is that pigs don't usually just eat a dead body; if it's chopped up, shredded, and put in a pail though they'll gobble away till their fat little hearts are content. A serial killer accused of having 20 victims did this very thing. Other options include dumping your victim-slurry down into the sewer, or tossing the remains into a river where it will be blown out to sea and eaten by fish. As long as the machine is cleaned thoroughly with strong bleach that will destroy any blood, and all the bits of bone, meat and gristle are wiped away, there's no one to say what happened to that missing person.

Bury Them Deep

The classic image of someone burying victims in the dirt floor of the basement, or out in the garden patch is one of the more common methods people use to get rid of bodies. This has happened a staggering number of times in real life as well, but the problem is that buried bodies are some of the easiest to find. Even if you chop them up, or mulch them, it takes time for the earth to erase the evidence. However, according to unethical life hacks it's quite possible to mask the scene of the crime with relative ease.

Say you've dug a nice, deep, 6-foot hole like you're supposed to. Throw the body in and bury it under a few feet of dirt. Then throw in the corpse of a dead dog or deer. Fill in the hole the rest of the way. In the event that the police do come and they do get a scent from a given area, they'll find the decomposing animal and will be more likely not to dig any further. Your secret is safe, and the earth is left to keep on churning away at one more victim.

References

"Oregon Farmer Eaten by Pigs" by JuJu Kim at Time
"Alkaline Hydrolosis- Dissolving Bodies With Lye" by Anne Marie Helmenstein at About

As always, thanks for stopping by The Literary Mercenary! If you'd like to keep up to date on my latest and greatest then pop your email address in the box in the top right corner, or follow me on Facebook or Tumblr. If you'd like to keep this blog going, then drop your loose change into the "Shakespeare Gotta Get Paid, Son" button, or drop by my Patreon page and become a supporter today!

Fun and Funny Links For Writers

Being a writer is hard work. It's filled with migraine headaches caused by rumbling over plot holes, going over your syntax with a fine-toothed comb, and all of the other brain-bending labor that comes from putting together a piece of art. That said, sometimes you need to take a deep breath, save your progress on the current work, and just go have a laugh or three. This week The Literary Mercenary brings you a handful of sites that if you haven't visited them you really should.

Right now.

Terrible Minds: The Blog of Chuck Wendig

When bad brains get worse.

For those who don't know who Chuck Wendig is, I am glad you finally ran Internet service under your rock. A risen star who's fought in a half dozen culture wars now, Wendig is also an author, screenwriter, and a freelancer himself. His blog contains both nuggets of wisdom (like the 25 Lies Writers Tell Themselves), as well as generally hilarious riffs and rips on the industry, the art, and the craft. Always good for a laugh.

The Official Evil Overlord List and The Mary Sue Litmus Test

They're never dangerous till they're clawing your face off.

For those who don't know about either of these things we'll discuss them in order. The Official Evil Overlord List (which can be found here) is a compilation of every trope the bad guy has ever fallen victim to. Assembled in a check list of dos and don'ts, this list is amusing to read all on its own. As a tool for checking to see just how trope-free your bad guy is, it's even better!

If you're a writer and you've never crossed paths with the Mary Sue, count yourself lucky! If on the other hand you're well aware of what they are, and you're looking for a quick and easy way to sweep your manuscript for them then you're in luck. The Universal Mary Sue Litmus Test is located right here, and now you and all your friends can take it to see who's lead is the most ridiculous!

Speaking of literary tests...

Who Do You Write Like?

He, like I, gotta get paid.

I Write Like is a website that looks through your work and compares your ear marks to those of famous writers who came before you. This test, located right here, includes a database that ranges from H.P. Lovecraft to Earnest Hemingway, and hits all the high points in between as well. So if you were always curious which of the old masters you invoked in your work, stop by and take a gander!

Thug Notes: The Only Cliff Notes You'll Ever Need

The Original Literary Gangster

For those who've always felt classic literature is a bit dull or boring, let Dr. Sparky Sweets break it down for you. The good doctor provides reviews of classic books such as Frankenstein, Fahrenheit 451, and Heart of Darkness, but he does it in a smooth, street-level lingo that will have you belting out laughs even while you pick up some knowledge. Check out all of his videos on the homepage located right here.

Put Your Voice To Work Reading Audio Books

And money.

While we used to call them books on tape, audio books have gone from being a novelty for children and the vision impaired to a huge industry. With more books being written and published then perhaps any other time in history voice actors are now more necessary than ever before. For those who have always wanted to try making money with their voices instead of just their words this article here provides a lot of insight as well as a few links to get you started in the world of audio books.


As always, thanks for dropping in on me at The Literary Mercenary. If you'd like to be kept up to day on the latest and greatest the put your email in the box on the top right or follow me on Facebook or Tumblr. If you'd like to keep this blog going then check out my books available for purchase at my Amazon author page on the right hand side, drop your pocket change into the tip cup by clicking the "Shakespeare Gotta Get Paid, Son" button, or stop by my Patreon page and become a patron today!

"The Audacity of Hope" or "Why Variable Ratio Reinforcement Keeps You Writing"

Hope is a powerful thing, as every writer knows. Hope can keep readers coming back book after book to see whether or not their favorite characters really do fall in love. It can keep someone turning pages all night even though he has work in the morning because he can't believe there's no way out of the dark place you've taken your lead. Hope also keeps writers putting words on the page even though there's no guarantee that the blog entry, article, short story, novella, or novel will bring in a single, red cent. The kind of writers who are banking on selling books, getting ad clicks, or otherwise earning a living from the things they create for the public to consume do this every, single day.

Why do writers do this to themselves?

Hope. Hope, and a concept called variable ratio reinforcement.

That, and robbing banks is dangerous.

 What is Variable Ratio Reinforcement?

Reinforcement is a psychological term that is used to describe situations where someone's behavior is strengthened. If a child reaches for a hot stove and gets her hand slapped, that punishment reinforces the idea that reaching for the stove is a bad thing that shouldn't be done. On the other hand if a student earns $20 for every A on her report card, then that reward will make her even more likely to shoot for that 4.0 honor roll. When someone takes an action the result of that action leads to behavior being reinforced or discouraged. The more often the result happens the more solidly the behavior is reinforced.

So where does the irregular part come in?

In addition to rewards and punishments there's a reinforcement schedule. This schedule is how often that behavior is reinforced. If every time someone breaks a rule he gets punished, then there's a certainty that bad things will happen if certain actions are taken. That's a fixed ratio. A fixed interval is applying a certain reinforcement after a certain amount of time; getting a yearly raise every year one maintains a job, for instance. Variable ratio reinforcement is when you perform a certain action, but you don't know how many times you have to perform it before you get rewarded. This is essentially how slot machines work, but it's also how a lot of writing works as well.

How Do You Mean?

If you keep rolling this until your character succeeds, you already understand.

This concept works best when you use examples. When I wrote an article titled "Is Thou Shalt Not Suffer A With To Live A Biblical Translation Error?" (which you can still read here if you're of a mind) it got a lot of page views. I looked at the subject, comments, and content, and decided that writing about religion and how our modern interpretations of it are skewed was a smart way to make some money. So I published several other articles including one about a devil named Azazel from the Old Testament (found right here), and another about the Satanic Panic, one of America's great moral panics from the 1980s (still live right here).

These articles did get some page views, but I didn't recreate the months-long splash and more-than-decent royalty payments I'd earned from the first article. They got fewer views overall, and those views dropped off more quickly. Because I'd seen that an article about religion could generate a lot of traffic though I kept at it. I never managed to recreate the original article's success, and the website got a great deal of content out of me it might not otherwise have received for a lot less payment.

This works the same with book sales. Let's say that you wrote a book about a vampire private detective, and that book shot through the roof and made you a lot of money. Your next, logical step would be to write another book to try and make the lightning strike twice. Even if subsequent books didn't do as well, or if they did terribly, knowing it's possible is sometimes enough to keep you running on the hamster wheel just a little bit longer than you otherwise might.

But I've Never Had Any Successes Like That!

What if I told you that you didn't need to actually experience the success in question to make this effect happen? Knowing that just one pull on the slot machine can make you rich is often enough to make you put your last quarter in the slot. If you've actually won a lot of money on a slot machine before though then you're a lot more likely to keep pulling that one-armed bandit until you either run out of money or you win.

Writers do this all the time, except the slot machine is the publisher and the coins you're hoping for are royalties.

This is easily illustrated in short story anthologies. One anthology might offer $30 for an accepted story, and another one will offer an even split of the royalties. Even if the story is an electronic-only anthology from a first-time publisher, there's a little bug in the back of most writers' heads that tells them royalties might be a better bet if this book takes off. It also means more than one payment, if all things go well. More often than not books in this scenario sell enough copies that no one but the publisher makes a profit, and the writers end up being paid $0.68 each quarter for a year.

Why do we do this? Because the next one might be what hits it big!

Like this book right here, for instance!

The media doesn't make this any easier on us as writers either. Just look on the Internet and you see stories about self-publishing authors who make six-figure incomes off trashy romance and monster porn. That monster porn thing isn't a joke either; read this in case you thought I was fucking with you.

What's The Problem With Hope?

Part of the problem is that I'm a hard-bitten, cynical bastard who likes spitting in your eye. The other part of the problem is that hope does more than keep your energy up, and your outlook positive. Hope, much like cocaine and meth, can blur your energy and make it hard to remain focused and realistic. You can get so high on your own hopes and the potential of victory that it's easy to forget you're betting black on a roulette wheel with a disproportionate amount of crimson on it.

Is it possible for your short story or novel to springboard into national or international fame even though you're an indie author no one's ever heard of with no one to help advertise your story or spread the word about it? Yes, it is. It's happened, as the news and the Internet are only too happy to point out. But the chances of it happening are astronomical.

Keep your hope, by all means. I'll be the first to admit that hope of infecting the world at large mixed with a genuine love of my story (and a touch of spite, if I'm honest) is the cocktail that keeps me going on some projects. But it's important to make sure that you're not just jerking the lever and hoping against hope that the Bestseller Gods take pity and shower you with big sales, TV interviews, and book deals for sequels. If that's the kind of thing you want it's time to grab a shovel and start laying your foundation. Hope is just as useful, but a lot less necessary, when you've actually done the work to build a readership, earn a place with a good publisher, and made certain to refine your craft until you can cut right into your readers' hearts and guts with it.


As always thanks for sticking your head in here at The Literary Mercenary. If you'd like to keep me going feel free to toss your loose change in by clicking the "Shakespeare Gotta Get Paid Son!" button in the upper right hand corner, or going to my Patreon page and becoming a backer. To keep up to date with my latest hits put your email address in the other box on the top right, or follow me on Facebook or Tumblr.