So You Want to Be A Writer?

I'm going to start of this post by making the assumption that most of you reading these words found your way here because you think you want to be writers. I am here to tell you that unfortunately, most of you don't.

And the Internet howled in outrage.

Now I'm sure there's some of you who are here in an earnest search for information. Maybe you're in high school or college, and you're starting to seriously consider a career as an author of some variety. Or maybe you've completed the hard work of getting your manuscript from your head and onto the page, and now you're looking for the next step.

To all of these people, this blog entry is not for you.

So Who Is It For?

This blog entry is for all of those people who think they want to be writers. For people who will criticize published books despite not working on a manuscript of their own. For those who talk about how "writer's block" stops them from getting the job done, or who make excuses about not having the time to write. This entry is for all those who say "one day," or "I'd like to, but," when they talk about writing. It's for all of those who want talk about how magnificent their mind palaces are going to be to those of us sweating and straining to lay the foundations of very real careers.

Stop. Just stop.

Please

You don't actually want to be writers. You think you do, but you don't. Let me tell you why.

Lost In Translation

In all fairness, this isn't entirely your fault.

Have you noticed how English isn't really good at being specific when it comes to the exact meanings of certain words? You need look no further than the word love to see the problems with English. When you say you love someone, how do you mean it? Are we talking a deep, emotional, spiritual, and sexual connection like you'd have with a life partner? Do you instead mean the kind of platonic love you'd have for a sibling, or the sort of love that can only be found in deep, life-spanning friendships? Do you mean the kind of love you reserve for children, or the kind you keep especially for cupcakes?

I love you too, cupcake.

We experience the same problem as English-speakers when we say the word want. As pointed out in this article by Cracked, two people can use this same word in amazingly different ways. When some people say they want something it's a statement of purpose. For instance, someone might say "I want to get my bachelor's degree in the next four years," and mean that they're signing up for classes, buying textbooks, and burning all of the oil they've got, midnight and otherwise to accomplish this goal. Other people will use the word want as a kind of blanket statement that can be translated as "wouldn't it be nice if...?" These are people who want things like world peace, or to get six pack abs by sitting on the couch, or to someday work in the computer field without getting the training or degrees necessary.

Some people who say they want to be writers fall into the former category. Most fall into the latter.

How Can You Tell?

As I said in this entry right here, there's only one kind of writer; the kind who writes. If you don't write, then you're not a writer, plain and simple. Before you start arguing, check this list of signs against your behavior. Do you:

- Make excuses for why your book isn't being worked on?

- Have no idea how to publish your book once it's done?

- Constantly find other things to do besides write?

- Talk about how great your book is, but never actually put words on the page?

- Trust that the book will take care of itself instead of attending talks, reading articles, and going to conventions that could help you network and find a home for your book?

These are just a few of the signs that your want doesn't have the razor edge it's going to need if you're going to be a writer. If you were serious, if you wanted to write a novel, or a short story, or an anthology, or a textbook, or whatever your project is you would be constantly planning it. You would be checking the guidelines from various publishers to see who would accept your work, and reading up on self publishing to see if it's a viable option. You would be devouring books on technique and voice along with guides to the industry. You would be looking for talks by established writers, and spending a little bit of time every day on your manuscript. Maybe it's a few hundred words, or whatever you can get done in an hour, but you would do it day in, day out, without fail.

Why? Because you want a book with your name on the cover and your picture on the book jacket, that's why.

Change Today. Tomorrow is Too Late

There's nothing to say that you can't turn your blanket statement into a statement of purpose. You could finish reading this entry and then go back through my archive on writing technique, reviewing good and bad tropes, and learning about how to become a better writer. You could seek out guidelines from companies like Tor or Baen Books, and take a gander at what you're going to have to accomplish. You could spend an hour with a notebook and a pen, drawing out your plan for your project. You could even open up a fresh word document and write the first page or two.

But you have to keep going.

Writing a book isn't about pushing one, huge stone down a mountain. It's about pushing a bunch of smaller ones down that incline every day. It's about putting in the effort to create the avalanche until the habit is so thoroughly ingrained that you can't stop. This is what it takes to be a writer. Unfortunately it means you're going to have to find that time somewhere. It might mean sacrificing your TV or video game habit, or watching fewer movies on the weekend. It might mean not going out for drinks after work, or switching to a 1-hour workout instead of a 3-hour bike ride.

If you don't do it though, nothing's ever going to change.

As always thanks for stopping in at The Literary Mercenary. If you'd like to get my updates then follow me on Facebook or Tumblr, or just put your email address into the box on your right hand side. If you want to help out then click the shiny new "Like This" button on your upper right hand side, make a donation by clicking on the "Shakespeare Gotta Get Paid, Son," button on the right, or drop by my Patreon page and become a patron today!

The Disposable Woman: A Trope That Really Needs to Go

Motivation is one of the central parts of a story; if your main character doesn't have any motivation then chances are good you can't really call him a hero. If you're having trouble lighting a fire under your lead's nether regions though, relax, there's a simple way to get it done.

All you have to do is kill a woman who's important to him.

Instructions are on page 24.

A wife, a daughter, a mother (all three if you're time-traveling in Alabama); it doesn't matter who she is as long as she's important to your main character. Her death will act as the springboard for whatever it is your main character needs to do in your story. Maybe that thing is to put on a cape and cowl to prowl the streets at night, maybe it's asking the woman he loves to marry him, or maybe it's throwing his badge out the window to go on a blood-soaked vengeance spree, but whatever it is all you need to do is drill that special lady in your lead's life.

Or is it?

The Disposable Woman

I swear I'll avenge you... you... shit, I knew your name a minute ago...

This trope, appropriately labeled the Disposable Woman (here's the page for it at TV Tropes), is perhaps one of the greatest examples of lazy writing that no one questions. We see it in video games like Final Fantasy VII (it's Vincent Valentine's entire back story), and in comic books like The Punisher and Batman. It's a favorite in action movies like Mel Gibson's Edge of Darkness, and  it's the entire point of the first Deathwish film. The female character in question is not a vibrant, living part of the story that our audience gets to fall in love with. She isn't someone whose death truly affects us. She's typically just a ghostly, haunting reason for whatever is going on; she exists solely as the catalyst for our hero's (and it's always the hero, never the heroine) actions. If we get to see her at all it will be for a brief few flashes until something awful happens to her.

What's The Problem?

To explain what's wrong with this trope I'll give you an example of how it's done right. In Stephen King's novel Bag of Bones we meet up with author Mike Noonan. Mike's life changes dramatically when his wife Jo dies (but she maintains a ghostly presence throughout the book, making her a Lost Lenore rather than a Disposable Woman. In short, we actually see how and why she's important to Mike). Mike goes up to his summer home where he meets and falls in love with a much younger woman named Mattie Devore. This embroils him in her custody battle for her daughter Kyla against her father-in-law. For more than half the book we learn about Mike, Jo, and his new lady love, before a man with a gun shows up and kills Mattie. In a piece of meta-criticism Mike remembers how when he would get stuck writing a story he'd just have a man with a gun come in and kill the woman, something he's horrified by with his lover's blood all over his hands.

That right there is why this trope is such a problem; the shallowness of how it's typically used.

In Bag of Bones we're invested in both of the women that Mike loses. His wife is more than just a convenient reason for him to get out of town, and his new lover's death is something that rocks Mike and the audience to their bones. They're both given depth, and a continued presence in the story. In short the author worked to be dynamic, rather than just relying on a trope crutch to prop up the narrative.

Why Does It Matter?

On a professional level the Disposable Woman is lazy. Just as, if not more lazy, then throwing in a rape scene just to add drama or to spackle over a plot point to your story (more on that here). It's quick shorthand for a motivation that readers have seen a hundred times, and it absolves the writer of doing the hard work of pulling the reader in. For a recent example look at the character of Drax the Destroyer from the film Guardians of the Galaxy. He's a hulking brute who's murdered hundreds of people trying to get to the man who killed his wife and child... but should we feel for him? Is a man (using the term loosely) capable of such wanton brutality someone who was ever a good father? A good husband? Or was he always like this, and the death of his family simply gave him the excuse? We don't know; we're just supposed to take that tragedy at face value and accept that it made Drax who he is now.

Secondly using the Disposable Woman is sending a message to readers. A message that as writers we should really, truly consider before we put it down on paper.

Don't be that guy.

Stories carry messages. If your story is about a modern day knight with a machine gun off to slay the dragon because it kidnapped a princess, then that sends a message. It tells male readers that violence is an acceptable solution to problems, it tells female readers that they shouldn't struggle when taken captive, and it tells dragons they're horribly evil fucks who deserve to be shot.

The problem with the Disposable Woman is that she sends a message to women just as surely as Rapunzel or Sleeping Beauty does. First off, it tells women that the only role they can have to motivate a story is to die, and that's not the way anyone wants to be represented. Secondly it tends to show women that women only have importance when they're connected to men; mothers, grandmothers, sisters, aunts, daughters, and girlfriends. Even if there are other female characters in the story that stigma is going to be sitting over the hero's motivation.

That is not to say that you can't use the Disposable Woman in your story. The next time that setup occurs to you though, ask yourself if that's the only way. Does your FBI agent's wife have to be murdered before he starts playing hardball with the mafia? Instead, why not have her leave him because he's too dedicated to the case? Why not have him driven half-crazy because he keeps seeing men he knows are guilty go free? Why not give him a particular mad-on against the crime that a particular organization is committing and getting away with?

There's always multiple sources of motivation. If you sidestep the neat and easy way to set up a story you're likely to discover more about your characters, and to create a richer story than you might otherwise have written.


As always thanks for dropping by The Literary Mercenary. Follow me by putting your email in the box on your right hand side, or by going to my Facebook or Tumblr. If you'd like to keep me, and this blog, going then check out my Literary Mercenary gear by clicking the link above, buy a book, make a one time donation by clicking the "Shakespeare Gotta Get Paid, Son" button on the right hand side, or by dropping by my Patreon page and becoming a patron today!

More Things You Should Never Say to An Author

Back when my blog was still getting its sea legs I wrote a post titled Things You Should Never Say To An Author. In my naivete I thought that the seven issues I'd experienced at that point were the major players when it came to awkward conversations authors shared with people outside their professional circles.

I was wrong. So very, very wrong.

And I made Jesus cry.

I was so wrong in fact that this week I've decided to create a follow-up public service announcement for those who want to try and reach out to authors as a whole. Whether you're at a cocktail party, a signing event, or wandering the halls at a convention remember that when opening a conversation there are certain things you should avoid saying so as not to get stabbed in the neck with a half-used Bic.

You Should Write A Book About Me

The only notable thing about your life will be its end if you don't stop talking.

I have personally heard this one a dozen times now, one of which came from a total stranger who was cutting my hair (hence why I didn't say anything at the time). Apparently there is such a strong desire in people to believe that their lives have been so unique, and so special, that there are gads of folks who feel a professional storyteller should dedicate 60,000+ words of text to sharing their stories with the world.

I hate to break it to you, but your life really is not all that interesting.

Every time I've heard this statement it's proceeded by some variation of the phrase, "I've seen some shit." After that they blur together. Abusive relationships, drugs and drinking, unexpected children, a string of horrible jobs, assault and possibly manslaughter, all culminating in a normal, boring, pedestrian life. Unfortunately, that is the story of being an adult. It's an unfortunate truth, but unless someone has gone through a truly unique or amazing experience ("I used to run all the guns on the East Coast for a Colombian cartel," or "I flew to Ghana and waged a guerrilla war against an occupying force of mercenaries to free the local tribes people") we don't care. We might copy an irritating verbal tic you have, or make a reference to someone who shares way too much information just because they wanted to dominate the conversation, but no, we are not going to make you a bestselling star.

That's Really Cool... Here's a Copy of My Book

I'll cherish it always.

We all know that one person who, no matter what you're talking about, tries to make the conversation about themselves. Not only do they refocus attention on themselves, but they do it in a way that Kanye West would have thought was classless and rude. There's a version of those people out there in the form of the writer who ambushes professional authors and shoves their own "work" into that professional's hands.

This happened to me once, and I was confused for the rest of the day. My short story "Relic of the Red Planet" had been selected to appear in the Alliteration Ink anthology Sidekicks (still available right here if you want to take a look), and I'd arranged a signing event at my local library. As any unknown author can tell you book signings, even in small towns, don't really draw huge crowds if no one knows who you are. So I waited in a quiet room to see who would show up, and I got two visitors. The first was a guy who was just curious, and the second was an older woman. She introduced herself, said hello, bought a copy of my book, and then promptly took out another book and shoved it into my hands. Then she scuttled off.

I tried to read the book. It was awful, bordering on the nonsensical. Assembled at Create Space it was very clear the author had no grasp of story, cohesion, character development, or possibly a Euclidian reality. I thought this was a really unique experience, but it apparently happens all the time. As soon as people find out you're an author they immediately want to send you their Lord of the Rings slash fic, or pawn off a copy of a self-published book that's sold two copies to their best friends in Japan but which no one else has ever heard of. You could be self-published, the latest addition to an indie house, or the star at Tor; people will still grab your lapels and talk about their projects as if you somehow owed them your time and give-a-shit.

What's happening here is easy to explain; these individuals want validation from someone they view as "making it," and in some cases they're hoping for that lucky break where we demand that they talk to our agents post-haste. That isn't going to happen. We love to talk books and stories; what we do not like is total strangers coming up to us and insisting that we'll love their stories. If we did that to you it would piss you off royally. All we ask is the same courtesy.

You Should Really Write Young Adult Books

What we picture doing to you when you open this conversation.

I've had this conversation with dozens of people, and while you can switch out the variables the irritation remains the same. Whatever genre it is you're working in people will always suggest you work in a different one. If you write horror they'll suggest you tone it back to write young adult fiction. If you write YA fiction they'll suggest you get in on that smut revolution and write erotica. If you write science fiction they'll tell you to try writing some of that dystopia stuff that's selling so well.

It's not that we're so stubborn we will only ever write one kind of story (in most cases). If you were an industry insider who had numbers to back up which genres were making more money then as authors we might nod and consider your words. What average people who think they have the inside track to fiction don't know is that we have put a lot of time into building a brand. We're catering to a particular fan base, and a total shift in our stories will lead to a cut in our sales. Many times we've spent years working to fit into a given area, and that's what people know us for writing. What well-meaning advice providers are doing is telling us to abandon that effort to try something totally different, based on nothing more than their own opinions. Sometimes it's also based on a short program they caught on the news, but most of the time even that is lacking.

If you wonder why we're not ever-so-grateful for your insight, imagine us coming to where you work and saying, "I know being a manager is rough, but have you considered becoming a secretary? I hear there's a lot of potential in that field."

I've Always Wanted to Write a Book

Sure you have, Buttercup.

This statement gets its own separate category because it's different from the writers who try to give authors their half-finished work. People who make this statement tend to be folks who have never taken a real stab at writing since they were in high school. Some very few of the people who make this statement might have once thought about doing NaNoWriMo, but never did.

Many times people who make this statement are just expressing a day dream; sort of like people who say "I've always wanted to own a Ferrari." It's harmless in and of itself, unless you're saying it to someone who slaved away every waking moment for years and did everything short of committing murder to get said Ferrari in his or her garage. While the owner might nod and smile, the urge to reach out and slap the shit out of the dreamer is going to be a strong one.

Alternatively, people might express this desire as a way to try and show that they admire the author. These people understand at some level that writing a book, editing it, publishing it, and then marketing it is a difficult task. However, it's a much better idea to just say that. Don't confide your secret creativity fetish to us; we do this for a living.

Have You Tried Twitter?

They burn Kingston charcoal in the part of hell reserved for you.

Every author has heard this both from well-meaning friends and know-nothing strangers. All you have to do is speak the magic phrase, "I wish I could sell more books," and the mystical advice-genie comes shooting out of the bottle to grant you the secrets of instant wealth.

Wait... sorry, that's a typo. Either that or I'm rubbing the wrong genies. Or however that works.

Anyway, the point is that everyone seems to think they have the one method you haven't tried when it comes to getting big bucks on book sales. Maybe it's phoning the local newspaper, or posting on Facebook pages, or just starting a Twitter account. Whatever it is the idea is obviously so brilliant they're amazed you haven't thought of it.

Here's a hint folks; we have. Any author worth a roller ball signing pen will have carefully researched different marketing methods. We know which conventions have a good reputation (in our areas at least), and we know which forums allow self promotion. We have checked to see how much banner ads cost, and we've probably laid the ground work for starting an author blog (if we didn't already have one). No matter what idea it is you've had chances are good any author who's been in the game more than a year has already heard it, tried it, and possibly discarded it.

It's not that we aren't open to help; authors love to be given helpful suggestions and opportunities by people. Telling someone you have a friend in the entertainment section of the Times, or offering to hook us up with a cousin of yours who writes a popular book review blog is great. We would gladly accept that kind of help all the live-long day. When someone says "just get on social media site X" like that will turn us into an overnight sensation though it is not in the least helpful.

Before you speak ask the author what they've done to push the book so far. That way you're not going to make a suggestion the author has already grabbed hold of and is milking for all it's worth.

As always thanks for stopping in for this week's edition of The Literary Mercenary. If you'd like to get all of my updates then toss your name into the box on your top right, or follow me on Facebook and Tumblr. If you'd like to support me and my blog then leave a tip by clicking the "Shakespeare Gotta Get Paid" donation button on the upper right, or stop by my Patreon page to become a patron today!

There Are Only Two Kinds of Writers (Chances Are You're One Of Them)

For those who missed last week's update (How to Make Money On Your Blog By Selling Swag), the Literary Mercenary now has its own online store! Just check out this link to see my first design, and if you're the sort of person who wants to be vocal about your opinions on whether or not corporations are people just tell your friends to stop by and take a look. It's my avowed goal to get one new design up per month, but depending on how crazy my other professional demands get that might slip to one every two months or so.

You know you want one.

Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yes, how there's really only two kinds of writers in the world.

Well, What Are They?

That's italics for you; no-bullshit and to-the-point. The most common names I've heard for the two types of writers in the world are plotters and pantsers; meaning authors who carefully plot out their stories and those who fly by the seat of their pants. Because I dislike these terms (to me they feel like someone who's teaching a class of third graders how to be writers), I will instead use the ones provided by an author whose career I'd emulate more if I could figure out how; architects and gardeners. People who draw a careful blueprint of the whole structure, and people who bury an idea in fertile soil and see what kind of insanity takes root.

The source of these terms, for the curious.

But Neither One of Those Fits My Style

Yes they do. There are only two kinds of writers, just as there are only seven kinds of conflicts, and twenty kinds of dramatic situations. Whether we like it or not the truth of the writing profession is that mechanically there are only so many colors on our palettes, and there are only so many kinds of brush strokes we can use.

The real miracle is that, with such limited tools, we can still create such a plethora of fiction!

Seriously though, you can still check this out if you want to.

As for myself I'm an architect who likes a little free-flow in my stories. I have a beginning, an end, and a few plot points figured out through the story. How I connect those points I don't know until I get to that particular page. It provides a certain structure, but at the same time allows my story and characters enough free flow that I don't feel like I'm trying to micromanage my own creativity. That's what works for me, but I've spoken to authors who are much more extreme than I am on both sides of the line. I've also spoken to one or two who have very similar methods.

It all depends on how your mind works. Whether you choose to draw an entire blueprint of your short story, novel, or series, or you choose to just bury the idea in a hole and water it with coffee and blood to see what grows is your decision as a writer. If you want to just put up a loose frame for the story to grow around, that's perfectly acceptable too. Maybe you like to write completely blitzed on tequila, or you find you do your best work at 3 a.m. when the world is asleep and the quiet settles in. Maybe you like writing horror, or sci fi, or fantasy, or serious books about serious people who do serious shit.

The point here is that every artist is completely unique, but we're all using the same tools and techniques to create very different masterpieces. What you as an author need to do is find the method that works best for you and to use it to turn out your own masterpiece.

Seriously, don't let other people tell you how to write. But if there's only two methods at either end of a sliding scale, chances are good you fit somewhere on there.

Again, thanks for dropping by The Literary Mercenary. If you've got any thoughts on what you'd like to see then please send a message. If you'd like to keep up on all my updates then toss your email in the box on the top right, or follow me on Facebook and Tumblr. If you want to help keep me going then buy a book, buy a tee shirt, toss a tip into my jar by clicking the "Shakespeare Gotta Get Paid, Son" button on the upper right, or drop by my Patreon page to become a patron today!

How To Make Money With Your Blog By Selling Swag

The unfortunate truth of being a writer is that the amount of money you make is directly connected to what you sell. Whether it's ad clicks on your blog, subscriptions to you through kindle, garden variety book sales, or something else entirely the formula is pretty simple; more sales = a bigger check.

This will be on the test. Show all your work.

Unfortunately for a lot of writers out there it's impossible to make a living wage from words alone. We don't have a big company setting up a book tour, nor do we have reporters dogging us to know when the next book is coming out. If we're truly fortunate we have at least a few fans that will show up to shake our hands at conventions, and maybe buy a book off of us.

Maybe.

So how do you rake in the cash to pay your rent, put food on your kids and a table in your mouth (or however it's supposed to go)? Corporations call it expansion into a new and engaging product line. The rest of us call it selling swag.

Can You Self-Publish Your Own Swag?

For those of you who haven't read up on self publishing and how it changed writing as a profession (bear with me this is relevant), here's a quick explanation of how it works. An author writes a book, formats it, designs a cover and goes through all of the steps that would normally be done by a publisher. The manuscript is then submitted to a service like Amazon's Create Space, and it creates ebooks, and print-on-demand books. Ebooks as we all know are electronic books that can be read on an ereader, laptop, smartphone, etc., whereas print-on-demand books are physical, traditional books that are not printed up and bound until someone orders them. For every copy that's sold, authors get a royalty cut.

The reason this works is because authors don't have to pay to print huge amounts of books and store them somewhere to be sold, only making a profit once the stock has been emptied. If no one buys copies then there's no demand, and therefore no printing, which means that the author incurs no loss of funds. If the book sells well then the author rakes in the cash, and if the book doesn't move the author's out nothing but time and effort (along with any marketing budget).

So what's your point?

The point is that you can do this with more than books.

Whether you want to create key chains or bumper stickers, messenger bags, tee shirts, hoodies, coffee mugs or any of a dozen other products you can get them made with the same print-on-demand system you would a book.

Here's How

Step one is to find a website that offers this kind of setup, like Cafe Press or Zazzle. Once you've become a member and poked around at the tools the next step is to come up with a product design. For instance, say I wanted a black tee shirt with a white silhouette of a man in a beret holding a red garotte wire between his hands with the phrase Kill Your Darlings under it and spattered across the back in red letters The Literary Mercenary. All I would need to do is design that image and upload it.

Seriously though, do you guys want me to do that?

Once an image is uploaded all that's left to do is to create a product page. Once the product is saved it will appear on your store. For every product that you sell you get a cut, and if you create something popular then it's quite likely word will get out fast about that clever sticker or brutal tee shirt. Hell, enough people start wearing and carrying your swag they might even decide to buy a book or two while they're at it.

Some Tips For Running a Store

It's important to remember that even if your store is there to help support your writing and book sales that you've got to put a lot of time and work into making it float. You've got to keep putting out new designs, you've got to publicize your products, and you need to do your absolute best to give the people what they want.

In short you're now running a whole creative industry, rather than just writing books.

 

As if this shit isn't hard enough already.

Can it work? Sure it can! It's very possible for you to hit the right turn of phrase, the right image, or the right product to shoot you up harder than a test-your-strength weight on body builder night. As with everything else though, there's no guarantee. Your store might start netting you hundreds of sales a month, giving you a nice, cushy pad to your bank account. It could also sit vacant and empty as Jerusalem's Lot.

It all depends on you.

Other Ways to Make Money From Your Blog

In the interest of simplicity I've gone through The Literary Mercenary and collected all of my other entries about how to make money off your blog in one, easy-to-find spot. Just click right here, and you'll get access to the whole list.

That said, do you guys want to see me open a store for The Literary Mercenary and Improved Initiative? Because I will, if you do.

Once again, thanks for stopping by! If you want to get all of my updates just plug your email into the box on the upper right, or follow me on Facebook and Tumblr. If you'd like to keep the Literary Mercenary going then tell your family, tell your friends, drop a tip in the "Shakespeare Gotta Get Paid, Son" box on the top right, or check out my Patreon page and become a patron today!

Tips and Tricks For Writing Realistic Romance Novels

Relationships aren't easy; ask anyone who's had a few, and I guarantee you that there are going to be one or two horror stories in their repertoires. So why do we keep going back time and time again? Is it because we as human beings are social creatures, and thus we need to feel the strong bonds of community, friendship, and love? Is it because of the huge dopamine rush that makes seemingly reasonable people turn into giggling fools with how happy they are? Is it because no matter how hard and cynical we are it's impossible to deny the appeal of a couple who makes it through all the dark things in the world and remains in love?

It's all of that, and a few other things besides. That's why romance exists as a genre, and it's why it consistently has high sales. People as a species are compelled toward these stories, and it's why authors will not stop writing them.

It's also why fan fiction writers are never going to stop doing... all those things they do.

This week's entry is not here to tell you to stop. All I'm hoping to do is guide other writers past the bigger pit traps in the red road, and to help you all improve your stories so they can be the best they can be.

Savvy? Savvy.

Tip #1: There Is A Fine Line Between Fiction And Wish-Fulfillment

One of the most common critiques I've read (and keep in mind that my reading in this particular genre isn't as extensive as my reading in, say, horror or sci-fi) regarding either romance books or books with heavy romantic themes is the trend toward wish-fulfillment. You could argue that all fiction is just wish-fulfillment, but according to this entry at TV Tropes this term specifically refers to instances where the author sacrificed good plotting, deep characterization, solid pacing, etc. in favor of making a story work out the way he or she wanted it to.

This was clearly written for spatulas who want to believe they can get with knives. Juvenile.

Let me be clear; you're the captain of this ship. If you want to drive it into an ice berg or slam it into a coral reef, then that is your prerogative. However, it is your job as the storyteller to craft a tale that is satisfying, well-written, and which doesn't have any obvious flaws in it.

Let's provide an example of wish-fulfillment, shall we? Let's say that a man decides to write a romance novel. He himself is a hopeless romantic who's had a very spotty record with women, so he decides to write what he knows. Throughout this novel our lead bumbles his way through encounters with beautiful women who are quickly won over by his awkwardness, and develop strong feelings for him. He's trying to choose one of them, but the ladies all get together and decide they love him enough that they will share him with no strings attached.

Sounds a bit gag-worthy doesn't it? It does... but it's also very ham-handed. Most wish-fulfillment is a bit more subtle. For instance, isn't it weird how the motorcycle-riding werewolf millionaire just happens to fall madly in love with the frumpy, middle-aged recent divorcee? Or how the clueless guy who just broke up with by an admittedly manipulative girlfriend just happens to fall right into the lap of a new, beautiful woman who's secretly been admiring his horrible poetry on the Internet for years?

I don't usually say this, especially not on this blog, but some prices are too high to pay for your integrity. That said, there's nothing wrong with writing character with attributes you understand (or that you embody... some might argue Stephen King has made a career out of this). It is sometimes helpful to take a step back and ask yourself just who it is you're really writing this story for/about though.

Tip #2: Don't Skimp on Details

You have no idea how long it took to get to this point.

A common misunderstanding about romance is that it's easy to write. Guy meets girl, guy screws up and loses girl, guy comes up with crackpot plan to get girl back, they kiss, bam! Run spell check, pour a drink, and wait for the royalties to start pouring in.

Trust me, if it was that easy I would be writing this blog on the wi-fi hookup to my personal satellite from the rear deck of my yacht.

Romance is, no joke, the third-hardest thing to pull off in a story (the first is making your readers cry, and the second is scaring them hard enough that they have trouble falling asleep). With romance we're getting out into deep water, where you have to figure out emotional and psychological intimacy, personal bonds, lifelong dreams, and personal preferences. You need to know your characters' fears and desires, what relationships they've been in before this, and what it takes to really make them fall hard for another person.

That's deep stuff, and it isn't easy to realize in your story. It might be tempting to take short cuts. Short cuts like:

- Physical Desire He's handsome, she's gorgeous, what's not to love? Feelings, schmeelings, get to the good part!

- Hand-Waving Backstory No, really, they're totally in love! All that getting to know each other and courtship happened at some point in the indeterminate past. Oh, and they maybe broke up before, but knew they shouldn't have, because they're still in love!

- They Were Meant For Each Other Sure he's a vicious, blood-drinking creature of the night and she's an avowed monster hunter who's been fed hatred since she was born, but it doesn't matter because they were fated to fall in love!

- Because That's How The Story Goes Just look at all the things he's done for her! She's got to love him at this point... what else could she do?

- That's Just Fucking Adorable! Meet cute. So... much... meet cute...

There are other tropes, but these are the ones I'm the most experienced with. What I am not suggesting is doing away with any of these (okay, the fourth one can be thrown in a boiling lake to die screaming). What I am suggesting is that you take a step back and look at what you're asking the audience to believe. Is asking the audience to believe that an FBI investigator can find a career hitman charming and ruggedly handsome unbelievable? No, of course it isn't. Is asking your audience to believe that said agent would throw away any sense of propriety and procedure to have sex with said hitman while he's in interrogation unbelievable?

Yes. Yes it is.

I'll give you a fix, and I'll do it by using a few the tropes above just to prove they do have their places. Let's say the agent and our hitter grew up in the same neighborhood, and they were close friends as kids. They fought the same bullies, had the same classes, and read comic books on the weekends. At graduation our hitter kissed our agent, who was so shocked that he never spoke to his friend again (Yes they're both men in this scenario. That's diversity, deal with it). Our agent went on to college, but his friend was heart-broken by rejection and got mixed up with entirely the wrong crowd. A tough guy who wasn't afraid to to rough work, he helped a small gang grow bigger by drilling the boss's enemies. The boss is growing too vicious, and our hitter wants out. He contacts his old friend, and for a while things are a bit cool. Our agent is struck by his old friend's appearance, from his sleek physique to the sharp way he dresses. Just as the agent is about to open up about all the things he wished he'd said back then, our hitter tells him that he's in trouble and really needs his help. Yearning, danger, desire, and the knowledge that one wrong move could get both of them killed.

That's fucking romance!

Romance is more than the sum of its parts. Physical desire is important, but so is trust, friendship, and sacrifice. If it doesn't cost you anything to love someone (fear of rejection, personal safety, the looming shadow of monogamous commitment, knowing that you're painting a big target on your lover because you have merciless enemies) then there's nothing to give that romance any real flavor.

Tip #3: Romance is About People

Yes, even this guy.

It goes without saying, but it needs to be said anyway; romance is only as compelling as the people involved in it. You know why I decided to put the two lovers on opposite sides of the law in my previous example? Because Americans love their heroes, and they take most of their heroes from the criminal classes (famously said by someone who may have been Oscar Wilde). The rest of our heroes we tend to take from other dangerous professions like law enforcement, bounty hunting, fire fighting, and cow punching.

Seriously though, would the above story of estranged friends overcoming their differences and becoming lovers still work if one was an accountant and the other was a bar tender? Sure it would, because the elements that make the romance work (desire, budding trust, friendship, etc.) are still present in the story. Would your readers still be interested in the relatively boring romantic exploits of people with work-a-day jobs realizing that some things really do come back after you've let them go?

Maybe. But I'm pretty sure more folks want to hear about the shoot-outs, car chases, and undercover stings.

This is one reason in my view that villains and anti-heroes get so much play; they're compelling, and typically more so than the heroes they're placed opposite of. Raoul Chagny is handsome, dedicated man, a decorated soldier (in some versions of Phantom of the Opera), and he's willing to risk death, dismemberment, and worse to save Christine from the Phantom. Erik, the Opera Ghost, is more than twice (sometimes triple) Christine's age, and is a psychologically unbalanced murderer who attempts to blackmail Christine into staying with him in a dungeon that looks like something out of a 19th century production of Saw. To the surprise of no one Christine leaves with Raoul.

Ask fans of the stage production, the novel, or the pulps, and you'd be hard-pressed to find any fans who don't wish, deep down, that Christine had stayed with the Phantom. Why? Because he's interesting! Mr. Fantastic is a genius who accidentally gave his wife Sue Storm, her brother, and his best friend superpowers. That's cool, but Victor Von Doom is king of his own country, posses a similar level of intellect, has old world manners, a sweet suit of armor, and actually seems to notice Sue instead of constantly being wrapped up in his next big experiment. Romeo and Juliet weren't just two teenagers with authority issues; they were the prized children of warring gang lords who with every kiss were leading the city closer to violence and bloodshed.

You see where I'm going here? Anyone can fall in love; it happens every day. If the people romancing each other aren't very interesting though, then your readers are going to set your book aside and stop reading.

This was where this section previously ended, but I felt compelled to put something else here.

The couple that plays together, stays together. While some of you might be snickering thinking that this is where we discuss how much sex you should have your book, that's not what I'm talking about here. What I'm using this phrase for is to explain that no matter how cool, interesting, or awesome your characters are, they have to have some believable connection for their romance to feel real.

Let's go back to that millionaire werewolf biker and the recently divorced housewife. Why? Sure it's a nice fantasy; a beyond-amazing man sweeps an average woman off her feet and makes her the center of his mystical, dangerous world. But why does he feel that way about her? What do they do when they aren't making love in the woods or riding down the highway? Does she have a lifelong passion for Harleys, but she had to give up riding when she got married? Is she a nature freak who knows every inch of the woods and valleys around town? Is she an amateur folklorist, as curious about his world as he is about hers?

My point is that while the dopamine rush is all well and good, it does not a romance make. Your job as the author is to convince your readers that no matter how outlandish the couple you've created is, that their love is real. Why does the centuries old vampire fall in love with a 26-year-old girl? Because she's bold and unafraid of him and what he represents? Does she make him remember what life was like when he was young, virile and alive? Is she really good at chess, giving him a genuine challenge for the first time in 150 years? Why does the gently-born princess love the scarred barbarian? Is it because he treats her as a woman, and not as the idea of nobility? Is it because he shows her a world she's never known before? Or is it knowing that she's lived more with him, and he with her, than either of them have done before they began their adventures together?

These are the building blocks you should be thinking about. Big or small, romances are built on lasting traits and shared desires. Whether your couple likes the same video games, is passionate about the same causes, or works in the same profession, that brings them closer together. Opposites may attract, but new rubs off pretty goddamn fast a lot of the time.

So, to Sum All This Up

Here's the short version; if you're going to write a romance novel make sure that you present the relationship in a believable light, that both of the participants are interesting, and that the audience gets invested in their love. Don't rely on cheap tricks and titillation to keep your audience turning pages, and don't be afraid to roll up your sleeves and get into the nitty gritty parts of this budding relationship.

If you can do that, you too will have readers say things like, "I thought it was great! I didn't feel like I was reading a romance story at all."

Yes people will say this to you. Yes they think it's a great compliment. Thank them, sign their books, and be glad that you have fans.

As always, thanks for stopping in at The Literary Mercenary. If you'd like to support me, my work, and this blog please stop by my Amazon author page (located on the right hand side of the page), leave a small donation in the "Shakespeare Gotta Get Paid, Son" tip jar on the upper right hand side, or drop by my Patreon page and become a patron today! If you'd like to stay up to date on my latest posts and projects then just put your email in the followers box (again on the top right), or follow me on Facebook, Tumblr, or both!

Yes I'm Judging You For What You Read. No I'm Not Going to Stop

One of the earliest lessons my parents taught me was that it's wrong to judge people for things they can't control. Sex and ethnicity were what they meant, but as I've grown I've added gender, age, accent (seriously, some people can't help it), and a slew of other factors to the list. I try instead to judge people based on the views they espouse, and the actions they take.

Oh, and the books they read.

So You're Just Like Those People at Slate?

We don't take kindly to that type around here.

For those of you who somehow missed the incident I'm referencing, let me bring you up to speed. About a month ago Ruth Graham wrote an editorial on Slate which you can read right here that calls out adults for reading young adult fiction. The editorial has pretty much everything you'd expect in it, and it's mostly a diatribe with all the ear marks of genre shaming without actually picking a genre to shame (since as i09 pointed out in a rebuttal right here, young adult fiction doesn't have a genre). The short version is "you can read whatever you want, but you should be embarrassed that what you're reading is a book meant for children."

I'm not agreeing with what Graham has to say regarding the shame readers should feel. I am not saying that there's only one type of book that's acceptable to read. What I am saying is that you can get a pretty good impression about who someone is on the inside by seeing what books they read, or which books they refuse to read.

A Literary Personality Test

Do you see a romantic tryst? Or a murder waiting to happen?

It's stupid to judge people on factors that don't actually tell you anything about them as individuals. Using someone's racial background, birthplace, age, etc. as a yardstick to judge who they are internally is a really inaccurate method of passing judgment. Books may not a perfect measuring tool either, but they're a much better place to start.

Why?

Because what you read says a lot about who you are as a person. It's a testament to the kinds of stories that enthrall you, and the places you escape to when you have a few spare moments of time. Your books tell me what sorts of escapism you like, and they give me an insight into the kinds of things that give you pleasure. The things you like say a lot about you, and they can be big indicators of whether or not we will get along as friends. They can also be indicators of whether or not I should politely nod and just keep on walking.

You're Still Being Judgmental, Though

Yes I am.

The court of personal opinion is now adjourned.

Since the Slate article is about the whole faux-issue of adults who read YA novels, I'll use that as an example. I don't like YA books. I didn't like them when I was in the age they were being marketed to, and I don't like them now. I feel that most of the books are simply coming-of-age stories wrapped in different packaging, and that bores me. The ability for many of the stories I've read, with Leviathan by Scott Westerfeld as a stand out example, to deliver a solid, visceral punch simply isn't there because authors can't say or do certain things while still remaining YA appropriate. Lastly, while there are quality YA books out there I also feel that many times the standards are lowered and sub-par work is allowed in because marketers have decided that young readers are stupid and will read anything.

Those are my feelings on the subject, but I'm not going to hold someone else to those standards. Why? Because expecting everyone I meet to agree with me is stupid. We're not talking about facts here; we're talking about opinions. There is no way someone can make definitive statements because we're not discussing the laws of reality; we're discussing whether someone likes to drink Coke or Pepsi. People are going to have different feelings on the subject, and those feelings will come with varying degrees of intensity. Some people will feel strongly one way, some another, and some simply won't care as long as they get something to drink.

That said if I am talking with someone who is an adult who reads nothing but YA books then that's a warning sign we might not get along. The same is true if I meet someone who thinks that all horror is torture-porn, or that gay people should be put in concentration camps; these are red flags that tell me I might want to go elsewhere for my socialization.

A Preliminary Exam

Because this is an awkward place to go for a first date.

I'm not saying I go down someone's Goodreads list with a fine-toothed comb and put red marks down for every reading choice I disapprove of. That's childish. What I do instead is listen to what a person reads, but just as importantly I listen to why they read. If someone reads horror purely for the titillation of gore, or because rape scenes give them a chubby, then even though we like the same genre we're there for entirely different reasons. On the other hand someone who prefers YA titles because they like books with female leads and diverse casts understands what they like, and they know where to get it. I might not agree with them, but that kind of self-awareness is a positive characteristic.

Nothing is ever as simple as it seems. People, even those who look shallow and simple at the outset, can always surprise you if you're willing to pick up a few stones and see what's going on underneath. Books can act as a mainline that will take you straight into an individual's mind, and give you some glimpses of places even they didn't know they had. You can never be certain, but if you had to do a cold read off someone there are few better places to go than his or her bookshelf.

Unless they don't read. Fuck those people.


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