The Absurd Played Straight (Talking About My Favored Brand of Unusual Writing)

A lot of folks think that to write a funny story your manuscript needs to be full of jokes. They think of all the double entendres in many of Shakespeare's plays, for example, or of the laugh tracks you find in both audio and TV sitcoms, and believe that's the basis for what makes something funny.

I would offer an alternative to that, which may appeal to those who still want to tell a story that many would find silly on its face, but who don't want to be cracking wise in the text. And it is what I call The Absurd Played Straight.

And as you can see, I have some experience with it.

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Lastly, make sure you check out my Vocal archive for several hundred other articles about geek ephemera, weird history, writing, and more!

In a Distant Future, Man's Best Friend Seeks Answers

If you're a regular reader, and you're a fan of my work, then you've probably seen the way I execute this particular style of writing. Whether it's in Marked Territory and Painted Cats, two hardboiled crime novels where the entire cast are made up of NYC street animals like stray dogs, cats, pigeons, and foxes, or you've come across my tabletop RPG Army Men: A Game of Tactical Plastic where you take on the roles of plastic people in a plastic world fighting for their survival, you're already familiar with my take on The Absurd Played Straight.

However, perhaps the best way to explain how this style of humorous writing works is to point at one project that I think did it really, really well... a little game called Pugmire.

Seriously, check it out if you haven't!

Now, for those who have never come across this game before, Pugmire is a sci-fi RPG set in the far, far future. Humanity is long gone, but dogs, cats, and others have evolved (possibly through the help of laboratory experimentation) into bipedal creatures living in a medieval-esque civilization. Bits and pieces of ancient technology have been discovered, referred to as magic, and are used as potent tools. Humanity is a myth that has taken on a god-like position to many of the good dogs, who are adventuring throughout the world in search of treasure, and knowledge of the lost and distant past.

We, as the players, know the truth, but the characters we play do not. However, while this world is very silly from our perspective, the flip side of that coin is that it can still be used to tell very serious stories. Because while we can sit there and laugh at the puns, and the misunderstandings of these adventuring canines, we can still get wrapped up in the drama of their lives. Whether it's the stray who's lost their pack time and time again until they can't get close to anyone, or the adopted young noble trying to prove he truly belongs among the city's purebred elites, or just watching the big, drooly mongrel sacrifice themselves to save their friends from certain doom, it's possible to take a ridiculous set up, and still tug on one's heartstrings with it.

In fact, I'd argue that it's a little easier in some ways. If you have an absurd setup for a story, it lowers the audience's guard somewhat, and makes them even more susceptible to plot twists and impactful moments because they simply aren't expecting those things.

A Final Note on Defying Expectations

Throughout this entry I have referred to The Absurd Played Straight as a type of comedy writing, because that is the typical reaction we have to taking the absurd at face value. If you see a black, undulating horror from the void beyond time rear up out of a summoning circle, and it gets a pat on the head while being referred to affectionately as Icky by the occultist it snuck up on, that is a jarring mismatch between tone and expectation. The result is that, more often than not, we laugh. Juxtaposition like that is funny.

But funny is not all this kind of story has to be.

Like I said above, what may seem fun and silly on the surface (because many absurd concepts are very silly) can often get serious or poignant once you've gotten the audience to dive in with you. To return to my own work, you can tell a gritty, horrors-of-war story rife with trauma and post-traumatic stress using my Army Men RPG, if that's the route you want to go. And, to be clear, the idea of your plastic army men toys breaking down while thinking about the squad mates they've lost on the line is absurd... but it's an absurdity that hits on a tragic truth, and lets you tell a story that might be too real with flesh-and-blood characters in a "normal" war story. Similarly, I've had to tell multiple buyers that Marked Territory is not a children's book, despite the absurd premise. Because when it comes time to throw down, as happens in every good noir mystery, Leo fights like an alley cat... and alley cats leave crushed skulls and spilled guts in their wake. There's not a lot of violence in his books, but when it happens it's nasty, brutal, and visceral, which hits the reader much harder because they're not really expecting it while reading a story about a Maine Coon solving an animal mystery in the heart of New York City.

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That's all for this week's Craft of Writing! For more of my work, check out my Vocal archive, or at My Amazon Author Page where you can find books like my sci-fi dystopian thriller Old Soldiers, the Hardboiled Cat series about a mystery solving Maine Coon in Marked Territory and Painted Cats, my sword and sorcery novel Crier's Knife, or my most recent short story collection The Rejects!

 

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5 Ways Writers Are A Lot Like Prostitutes

They're skilled, glamorous, exotic, and more than a little edgy. You watch them on the Internet, and you listen to interviews with them, and you think that, maybe, you could do what they do. Some day.

I'm technically talking about being a writer, but I suppose the same thing could apply to being a high-class escort.

You want a package deal, or are we going by the word, here?

I've had a long week, and I'm feeling a little ragged round the edges. So I thought I'd do something that's mostly silly, but with a grain of truth lodged in the middle of it to kind of hold the premise together. So, let's get started, shall we?

#1: We Have An "Exotic" Profession

Let's get the low-hanging fruit out of the way first. If you're a writer, and especially if you write some kind of fiction, you're seen as something unusual by people who never venture too far out of the realms of normalcy. People are often impressed, thinking that writers are men and women who live in unusual places, like communes by the sea, or forgotten manor houses in New England. They can't believe that we're people, and we do things like shop for pants, meet for breakfast, or go to the gym.

Sort of the same with prostitutes. People know they exist, but they sort of forget that they take off their work clothes, and go back to being normal people when their job is done.

#2: People Can't Believe We Get Paid For That

Psh, they get paid how much to do that? Well, hell, how hard can it be? I do that for free, and I've never had any complaints.

I'm sure that sex workers will hear this diatribe a lot more often than writers do, but we're no strangers to the spiel. Because a lot of people write in their free time, and they happen to think they're pretty good. But they don't seem to realize there's a big difference between the stories you share with your partner in the privacy of your own home, and the leap it takes to do it full-time. Whether you're in the mood, or not.

#3: We Don't Make Anywhere Near What You Think We Do

I blame TV for this one. The only depictions we ever seem to get on most shows (even on a lot of cop dramas), is writers with literal millions to throw around on whatever whimsical thing they feel like doing. Even in old-fashioned shows like Murder She Wrote, the writer in question never seems to be hurting for resources, despite being independently employed, and a senior citizen, meaning all those health bills are coming out of her pocket.

Prostitutes get a lot of the same rap in our fiction. Because while we see plenty of independents getting booked, or becoming victim of the week, the recurring characters all seem to be madams, high-priced call girls, or similarly glamorous, independent women (never seem to be a lot of men, but I don't watch as much TV as I used to).

Even the best of us aren't making that much cash. And those who are, man, they know how to hustle.

#4: People Can't Believe We Expect Them To Pay For Service

What do you mean you're gonna charge me? Come on, we're friends, aren't we? Really? Seriously, it will take you, like, half an hour!

If you're good at something, never do it for free. While that might be how the saying goes, the world seems to think the exact opposite most of the time. People are more than willing to acknowledge your skill, and that you are the best they know at the trade... but they will still pitch a fit if you expect them to pay rates like some kind of client!

#5: Clients Don't Want To Hear No

Now, this one is a serious issue, and I wanted to take a moment to point that out. People who are not willing to take no for an answer is one of the primary ways sex workers are put in danger by their clients, and it's also one of the primary causes of sexual harassment.

With that said, I've lost track of the number of clients who seem to develop selective deafness when it comes to things I won't do. Whether it's genres I don't work in, being vague about when and how I'll be paid, or me pointing out that what they're asking for is way beyond the scope of what I'm willing to do, they've settled in their minds that it's my job to make their vision into a reality. They just seem to forget that I have to agree to take the job for that to happen.

While this might have been a silly Business of Writing entry, hopefully some folks found it amusing. Next week we're back to Craft, and I'll be talking about much more serious subjects. If you enjoyed this post, and you want to keep up to date on my work, follow me on Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter. Lastly, if you want to toss some support my way, head over to The Literary Mercenary's Patreon page.

More Things You Should Never Say to An Author

Back when my blog was still getting its sea legs I wrote a post titled Things You Should Never Say To An Author. In my naivete I thought that the seven issues I'd experienced at that point were the major players when it came to awkward conversations authors shared with people outside their professional circles.

I was wrong. So very, very wrong.

And I made Jesus cry.

I was so wrong in fact that this week I've decided to create a follow-up public service announcement for those who want to try and reach out to authors as a whole. Whether you're at a cocktail party, a signing event, or wandering the halls at a convention remember that when opening a conversation there are certain things you should avoid saying so as not to get stabbed in the neck with a half-used Bic.

You Should Write A Book About Me

The only notable thing about your life will be its end if you don't stop talking.

I have personally heard this one a dozen times now, one of which came from a total stranger who was cutting my hair (hence why I didn't say anything at the time). Apparently there is such a strong desire in people to believe that their lives have been so unique, and so special, that there are gads of folks who feel a professional storyteller should dedicate 60,000+ words of text to sharing their stories with the world.

I hate to break it to you, but your life really is not all that interesting.

Every time I've heard this statement it's proceeded by some variation of the phrase, "I've seen some shit." After that they blur together. Abusive relationships, drugs and drinking, unexpected children, a string of horrible jobs, assault and possibly manslaughter, all culminating in a normal, boring, pedestrian life. Unfortunately, that is the story of being an adult. It's an unfortunate truth, but unless someone has gone through a truly unique or amazing experience ("I used to run all the guns on the East Coast for a Colombian cartel," or "I flew to Ghana and waged a guerrilla war against an occupying force of mercenaries to free the local tribes people") we don't care. We might copy an irritating verbal tic you have, or make a reference to someone who shares way too much information just because they wanted to dominate the conversation, but no, we are not going to make you a bestselling star.

That's Really Cool... Here's a Copy of My Book

I'll cherish it always.

We all know that one person who, no matter what you're talking about, tries to make the conversation about themselves. Not only do they refocus attention on themselves, but they do it in a way that Kanye West would have thought was classless and rude. There's a version of those people out there in the form of the writer who ambushes professional authors and shoves their own "work" into that professional's hands.

This happened to me once, and I was confused for the rest of the day. My short story "Relic of the Red Planet" had been selected to appear in the Alliteration Ink anthology Sidekicks (still available right here if you want to take a look), and I'd arranged a signing event at my local library. As any unknown author can tell you book signings, even in small towns, don't really draw huge crowds if no one knows who you are. So I waited in a quiet room to see who would show up, and I got two visitors. The first was a guy who was just curious, and the second was an older woman. She introduced herself, said hello, bought a copy of my book, and then promptly took out another book and shoved it into my hands. Then she scuttled off.

I tried to read the book. It was awful, bordering on the nonsensical. Assembled at Create Space it was very clear the author had no grasp of story, cohesion, character development, or possibly a Euclidian reality. I thought this was a really unique experience, but it apparently happens all the time. As soon as people find out you're an author they immediately want to send you their Lord of the Rings slash fic, or pawn off a copy of a self-published book that's sold two copies to their best friends in Japan but which no one else has ever heard of. You could be self-published, the latest addition to an indie house, or the star at Tor; people will still grab your lapels and talk about their projects as if you somehow owed them your time and give-a-shit.

What's happening here is easy to explain; these individuals want validation from someone they view as "making it," and in some cases they're hoping for that lucky break where we demand that they talk to our agents post-haste. That isn't going to happen. We love to talk books and stories; what we do not like is total strangers coming up to us and insisting that we'll love their stories. If we did that to you it would piss you off royally. All we ask is the same courtesy.

You Should Really Write Young Adult Books

What we picture doing to you when you open this conversation.

I've had this conversation with dozens of people, and while you can switch out the variables the irritation remains the same. Whatever genre it is you're working in people will always suggest you work in a different one. If you write horror they'll suggest you tone it back to write young adult fiction. If you write YA fiction they'll suggest you get in on that smut revolution and write erotica. If you write science fiction they'll tell you to try writing some of that dystopia stuff that's selling so well.

It's not that we're so stubborn we will only ever write one kind of story (in most cases). If you were an industry insider who had numbers to back up which genres were making more money then as authors we might nod and consider your words. What average people who think they have the inside track to fiction don't know is that we have put a lot of time into building a brand. We're catering to a particular fan base, and a total shift in our stories will lead to a cut in our sales. Many times we've spent years working to fit into a given area, and that's what people know us for writing. What well-meaning advice providers are doing is telling us to abandon that effort to try something totally different, based on nothing more than their own opinions. Sometimes it's also based on a short program they caught on the news, but most of the time even that is lacking.

If you wonder why we're not ever-so-grateful for your insight, imagine us coming to where you work and saying, "I know being a manager is rough, but have you considered becoming a secretary? I hear there's a lot of potential in that field."

I've Always Wanted to Write a Book

Sure you have, Buttercup.

This statement gets its own separate category because it's different from the writers who try to give authors their half-finished work. People who make this statement tend to be folks who have never taken a real stab at writing since they were in high school. Some very few of the people who make this statement might have once thought about doing NaNoWriMo, but never did.

Many times people who make this statement are just expressing a day dream; sort of like people who say "I've always wanted to own a Ferrari." It's harmless in and of itself, unless you're saying it to someone who slaved away every waking moment for years and did everything short of committing murder to get said Ferrari in his or her garage. While the owner might nod and smile, the urge to reach out and slap the shit out of the dreamer is going to be a strong one.

Alternatively, people might express this desire as a way to try and show that they admire the author. These people understand at some level that writing a book, editing it, publishing it, and then marketing it is a difficult task. However, it's a much better idea to just say that. Don't confide your secret creativity fetish to us; we do this for a living.

Have You Tried Twitter?

They burn Kingston charcoal in the part of hell reserved for you.

Every author has heard this both from well-meaning friends and know-nothing strangers. All you have to do is speak the magic phrase, "I wish I could sell more books," and the mystical advice-genie comes shooting out of the bottle to grant you the secrets of instant wealth.

Wait... sorry, that's a typo. Either that or I'm rubbing the wrong genies. Or however that works.

Anyway, the point is that everyone seems to think they have the one method you haven't tried when it comes to getting big bucks on book sales. Maybe it's phoning the local newspaper, or posting on Facebook pages, or just starting a Twitter account. Whatever it is the idea is obviously so brilliant they're amazed you haven't thought of it.

Here's a hint folks; we have. Any author worth a roller ball signing pen will have carefully researched different marketing methods. We know which conventions have a good reputation (in our areas at least), and we know which forums allow self promotion. We have checked to see how much banner ads cost, and we've probably laid the ground work for starting an author blog (if we didn't already have one). No matter what idea it is you've had chances are good any author who's been in the game more than a year has already heard it, tried it, and possibly discarded it.

It's not that we aren't open to help; authors love to be given helpful suggestions and opportunities by people. Telling someone you have a friend in the entertainment section of the Times, or offering to hook us up with a cousin of yours who writes a popular book review blog is great. We would gladly accept that kind of help all the live-long day. When someone says "just get on social media site X" like that will turn us into an overnight sensation though it is not in the least helpful.

Before you speak ask the author what they've done to push the book so far. That way you're not going to make a suggestion the author has already grabbed hold of and is milking for all it's worth.

As always thanks for stopping in for this week's edition of The Literary Mercenary. If you'd like to get all of my updates then toss your name into the box on your top right, or follow me on Facebook and Tumblr. If you'd like to support me and my blog then leave a tip by clicking the "Shakespeare Gotta Get Paid" donation button on the upper right, or stop by my Patreon page to become a patron today!

Fun and Funny Links For Writers

Being a writer is hard work. It's filled with migraine headaches caused by rumbling over plot holes, going over your syntax with a fine-toothed comb, and all of the other brain-bending labor that comes from putting together a piece of art. That said, sometimes you need to take a deep breath, save your progress on the current work, and just go have a laugh or three. This week The Literary Mercenary brings you a handful of sites that if you haven't visited them you really should.

Right now.

Terrible Minds: The Blog of Chuck Wendig

When bad brains get worse.

For those who don't know who Chuck Wendig is, I am glad you finally ran Internet service under your rock. A risen star who's fought in a half dozen culture wars now, Wendig is also an author, screenwriter, and a freelancer himself. His blog contains both nuggets of wisdom (like the 25 Lies Writers Tell Themselves), as well as generally hilarious riffs and rips on the industry, the art, and the craft. Always good for a laugh.

The Official Evil Overlord List and The Mary Sue Litmus Test

They're never dangerous till they're clawing your face off.

For those who don't know about either of these things we'll discuss them in order. The Official Evil Overlord List (which can be found here) is a compilation of every trope the bad guy has ever fallen victim to. Assembled in a check list of dos and don'ts, this list is amusing to read all on its own. As a tool for checking to see just how trope-free your bad guy is, it's even better!

If you're a writer and you've never crossed paths with the Mary Sue, count yourself lucky! If on the other hand you're well aware of what they are, and you're looking for a quick and easy way to sweep your manuscript for them then you're in luck. The Universal Mary Sue Litmus Test is located right here, and now you and all your friends can take it to see who's lead is the most ridiculous!

Speaking of literary tests...

Who Do You Write Like?

He, like I, gotta get paid.

I Write Like is a website that looks through your work and compares your ear marks to those of famous writers who came before you. This test, located right here, includes a database that ranges from H.P. Lovecraft to Earnest Hemingway, and hits all the high points in between as well. So if you were always curious which of the old masters you invoked in your work, stop by and take a gander!

Thug Notes: The Only Cliff Notes You'll Ever Need

The Original Literary Gangster

For those who've always felt classic literature is a bit dull or boring, let Dr. Sparky Sweets break it down for you. The good doctor provides reviews of classic books such as Frankenstein, Fahrenheit 451, and Heart of Darkness, but he does it in a smooth, street-level lingo that will have you belting out laughs even while you pick up some knowledge. Check out all of his videos on the homepage located right here.

Put Your Voice To Work Reading Audio Books

And money.

While we used to call them books on tape, audio books have gone from being a novelty for children and the vision impaired to a huge industry. With more books being written and published then perhaps any other time in history voice actors are now more necessary than ever before. For those who have always wanted to try making money with their voices instead of just their words this article here provides a lot of insight as well as a few links to get you started in the world of audio books.


As always, thanks for dropping in on me at The Literary Mercenary. If you'd like to be kept up to day on the latest and greatest the put your email in the box on the top right or follow me on Facebook or Tumblr. If you'd like to keep this blog going then check out my books available for purchase at my Amazon author page on the right hand side, drop your pocket change into the tip cup by clicking the "Shakespeare Gotta Get Paid, Son" button, or stop by my Patreon page and become a patron today!

Why Cat Videos Will Always Be More Popular Than Your Novel

Before we get started, watch this video.

That video was 31 seconds long, shot on a shaky hand cam, and absent a single piece of real dialogue. It's been reposted thousands of times, and the original posting had over 100,000 views in the first month. People all over the world watched this video, and instantly told all their friends about it for days and days. Their friends watched it, and the process repeated itself. In fact, I will almost guarantee that 50%-75% of the people who share this very post do so because of the cat video on it.

I can confidently say that this will never happen to your novels. Or to my novels. That isn't a statement on our status as writers. It's just that you cannot compete with this. Here's why.

Time

The argument about quantity over quality is a big part of this section. Novels, by and large, take a long bleeding time to write. Even if someone can manage the phenomenal pace of an author like Stephen King, there's still the months of review by editors, the art that has to be created for the cover, the promotion for the book, and additional time tacked on for any problems in the process. At the absolute best, a novel will take a year from page one to release date. Absolute best rarely happens.

Cat videos on the other hand can be produced at a fast clip, taking days or weeks at most depending on editing and whether the creator is setting up a certain situation. This means that the audience gets more hits of their drug of choice more often, and it leads to a constantly re-enforced fandom which can be very hard to create with books. Also, reading a book can take days or weeks. This video can be watched in half a minute while you're supposed to be working.

Medium

Not everyone reads. It's an unfortunate and painful fact, but it's true. Whether it's because of time, personal preference, or just a hatred that was instilled in third grade English class, there's only a certain portion of the population for whom a novel is a preferred form of escape. A significantly larger portion of the world has access to the Internet, and is willing to spend at least half a minute watching something hilarious and adorable on their computers, tablets, smartphones, etc.

Cost

This is one of the biggest reasons that books cannot compete with cat videos, much less with all of Youtube. An author who gives his or her work away for free is never going to be able to achieve financial independence through that work. Internet videos on the other hand have advertising revenue backing them, that means the creator gets paid if the audience takes the time to click an ad in order to support said creator. That's also the way blogs work. Blogs just like this one.

You have to convince people that your epic post-apocalyptic sci-fi story where a hybrid super soldier unravels a government conspiracy is worth $10. Users on Youtube can slap their videos up for free, and just wait for word of mouth to spread.

What Difference Does That Make?

This was the same question video game giants asked when Angry Birds got popular. A dinky little game produced by a handful of upstarts wasn't going to be a threat to their empire. Until it was. Video game companies who had thought nothing of the casual game market suddenly saw their profits shrinking, and they had no clue they were even in a fight.

Casual gaming is a lot like Internet videos in this sense. They're fast, engaging, portable, entertaining, and they can absorb users for hours. While both Skyrim and Conan the Usurper are more deeply involving than their casual counterparts, they require someone who can set aside the entertainment snack food and delve a little deeper.

How do You do That?

There are a lot of methods for luring people away from quicker, faster entertainments though there's no guarantee any of them will work. That's the nature of the beast when discussing marketing.

The first is to fight fire with fire. To that end authors may make trailers for their books, creating a visual experience that can suck readers in and make them want more. In addition to trailers authors may run vlogs, or offer free clips of themselves reading snippets of their books or short stories. Some authors go so far as to have a fully-acted cast, creating an old style radio drama out of their material.

Another approach is to focus much more narrowly on an audience that prefers books over the Internet's cat crack. Audiences like older Americans who don't use the Internet, academics who prefer reading to simply observing their entertainments, genre fans for whom the vistas of new worlds will always be a first love, and others of like mind.

Some authors realize that if you can't beat them, you should join them. These authors use the memes and popularity of short, simple videos to gain a following, and then slowly start introducing their books to that audience. It's more insidious, and it requires multiple skill sets, but this method can work wonders for those who know how to play on viewer's heart strings.

People Will Always Read... Won't They?

Probably. As long as teachers and parents instill a love of books into young people, and that love isn't destroyed by all the academic reading required in college, then there's always going to be a place for books. As long as people who see movies want to read the original source material, and as long as there's an audience that craves the fantastic and the horrifying, there will be readers.

You just have to be loud enough for them to notice you.


If you're looking for some more funny stuff about cats, check out all of their superpowers here. If your furry friend is suffering from a urinary tract infection and you want to provide a simple, at-home cure, check this out. If you want to keep up to date with my author activities, then follow me on Facebook, or check me out on Tumblr. A total list of my books, including the post-apocalyptic sci-fi mentioned above titled Heart of the Myrmidon may be found on my Goodreads page. Lastly please feel free to like and share any and everything you find here. Remember that this page runs on Google AdSense. If you want to see something in particular featured on The Literary Mercenary, just drop me a line and I'll look into it.